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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Wastefulness of Anticipatory Grief

It just hit me: in the last year—if not longer—I'd have a daily sense of anticipation and anxiety that I'd receive a phone call from my mom saying that something had happened to Granny—that she'd taken sick or died. I carried that fear around for a long time. In fact, I think I've carried that fear around for decades. It became a habitual thing, that anticipatory grief. I just had that old sensation once again, like feeling around for a tooth that I used to wiggle, but finding only space. It's very disorienting. Anticipatory grief has done me no good; I certainly don't feel more prepared for this loss, and it only stretched out the sadness over the years.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Realization

Like a constant hum,
insistent, hard to tune out: 
gone she's gone she's gone

Memorial Card Text - January 15

Remember, my darlings, 
The memories we shared
Gathered like treasures
Throughout the years
Think of our laughter, our visits,
The times we embraced.
I'll be there in spirit
When you make a hot cup of tea. 
Life is fleeting and precious
With love carrying us through;
Despite the loss and the pain
Love will bring us together again.


Room B530 on January 11, 2013.

Room B530

The beeping of machines
and the dripping of morphine
are somehow synchronized
to the rhythm of your soft breathing
and the beat of my breaking heart.