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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Two Months In

...and as usual, Life is what's happening while we've made other plans.

Warren's transfer died on the vine a few days after we arrived here, and I'm still trying to break into the job market here in Victoria. I've done some networking, provided a little bit of design work on a freelance basis, and knocked on hundreds of doors. So, we're here, we're on Vancouver Island, but it seems like there's some...resistance. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but I don't want to overlook what it is that's inside me that's holding me back.

Doubt has always led me astray. I don't doubt that moving to BC was the best thing to do, and that it was done at the right time. My heart and my gut tell me so. Seeing my kids in the last little bit confirmed that. Being in Montréal while they live in Qualicum was just tearing me apart. Knowing that I'm closer to them now (if even a 2 and a half hour drive away) has knit something together inside of me that feels right. There are still loose, straggly ends...but if I handle them gently, maybe they won't snag.

So. Now we're here. Quite honestly, we're struggling vocationally and, subsequently, financially. Must re-focus. Want to be "realistic", but at the same time, do I need to be totally underemployed just to make ends meet? I am asking myself "what am I willing to do in order to pay the rent?" Same goes with Warren. After being in retail management for 13 years, why is he working at a grocery store for minimum wage stocking shelves? He's not complaining, mind you, and neither am I...but the question has to be asked. I want to be practical but I don't want to detour too sharply, either.

Warren wants to write and create for a living. So do I. I know that we can do those things at any time—and do them together, to boot—regardless of what we do for a living full-time. But I have a dream of devoting myself full-time to being a conduit of communication for people and causes that help people, that build community. Hospices. Community gardens. Thrift stores. Parenting groups. Food co-ops. Transition homes. Not a great deal of money to be made that way, but regardless, that's how I want my energy to be invested. That's what sets a fire in my belly.

But how to do that while feeding and housing myself, providing for my children, and creating a foundation for myself that I and my partner can build upon for the foreseeable future?

I just don't know. And after two months (yes, I know, not a long time, but still) I'm feeling dragged out and exhausted. Landed in Victoria from Montréal after an exhausting graduation, internship, and cross-country move.

Oh, to be nestled in a log cabin with a woodstove, a cord or three of wood, a fully-stocked pantry, a pile of books, an endless, steaming pot of tea, some knitting, a fresh moleskine, and lots of new pens. A purring cat or two on my lap. Maybe a friendly pooch to take for a walk along the beach. Okay, now I'm asking a great deal. I know, I need to muster up some gratitude. Maybe I am feeling a bit frayed around the edges a bit. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I am living on one of the busiest, noisiest corners I have EVER lived on...and this after having lived in Toronto and Montréal...how can it be noisier here in Victoria? How is that possible? I suppose living less than a block away from a fire station may have something to do with it.

At the very least, I'll approach some of these places and offer some pro-bono work just for the sake of feeding the fire in my belly. I'm tempted to get a bit frantic about it, though, when we're borrowing money just to pay the rent.

The possibilities are, as always, endless. I'm tired and feeling somewhat discouraged (and a bit depressed), but I can be thankful for the ever-present possibilities.