Sometimes there is so much information to process, ideas to sort and creativity to harness that I spin my wheels and get nothing accomplished. At least it appears that way to me, when it comes to viewing my own life.
Perhaps most things can only be seen with anything resembling objectivity when it is in retrospect. Perhaps.
Since I was laid off in September I have been relatively free-flowing and enjoying a distinct lack of pressure, although financial worries can encroach upon that sense of freedom. Sometimes, too much time to think, others, too much time to let relaxation turn into inertia.
But let me give myself more credit. I've more of a sense of who I am rather than who my employer would like me to be. My creativity has been gently explored through some writing and photography. I'm available to my children before and after school, and I've had the time to be a homemaker full-time. Feeling the rhythm of that, here, now, in this new-ish environment, with my fiance and with my newly re-located children feels profoundly right and rooted.
I am currently jumping through many hoops and rummaging through red tape in preparation for doing something that I've wanted to do for a very long time: return to school. Once I have met all of the requirements (that is, once I've convinced the provincial government to extend me my rights and grant me my funding for tuition, living expenses, materials, etc., not to mention once I've passed the preliminary academic tests, and successfully submitted other strange and fussy papers), I will be going to college for Graphic Design.
Going in this direction requires that I do not settle for the status quo again as I have so many other times. Taking whatever job I could manage at the time in reaction to immediate and pressing needs was a survival tactic. Choosing to better myself educationally is moving from surviving to thriving.
Dreams that make sense are starting to take shape in my daily vision. Previously deferred goals seem more relevant now, in context. I still feel tender and vulnerable and tentative, but going boldly in the direction of my dreams and living the life I imagine is what I have to do. The alternative is stagnancy, denial, and discouragement.
Courage is required in this life, even when things are good and safe and blessed.